Adoption Thoughts : thanks HarsH ReaLiTy

I read an interesting post this morning by a blogger I follow.  It is about his relationship with, but particularly his feelings towards, his birth mother and father. For anyone who doesn’t know, those would be the parents that birthed the child. The adoptive parents adopted the child. In my case, the other parents in the child’s life are probably the lucky ones Guffawhaha! Just kidding, I hope. So to give you the thread, this post is mostly a reflection on his thoughts, and a shallow dive on mine about my birth dad.

 

Anyway, in HarsH’s post, the language is sharp, the feelings intense, and while I believe for this blogger the writing is cathartic, the reading for me caused grief. The feeling of rejection, in any of its many forms, still brings the same bitter/sad/hateful piece of me to light. Even when it happens to others. I know we all have it, but when I’m feeling it, I feel I have more of it than others — until I hear someone else’s story which can shock me back into reality, or it can send me spiraling, or I can also maintain, let’s not be over-dramatic just for show.

 

A very interesting line, “I don’t know why I can’t stop hating you. I don’t know why I only hate you. I know there is a father out there. fuck him too.” brings to mind the way I felt for a number of years. It was very targeted and specific to one individual. The lack of logic and sound reason behind the decision. The amount of emotional attachment, only to be thrust into emotional detachment again. And then this dude, who can’t by any definition have acted like the sort of guy I would want to be my dad. But then again, since I’ve lived long enough now, I can say that I have acted like that guy, I don’t let logic and reason guide my every action, and I can certainly see how adoption can be the best option. Heck, I want to adopt kids if I have them someday, and I hope I help someone out who was making tough decisions for tougher reasons.

 

Recently, my adoptive father asked me if or why I haven’t looked up my birth father. The truth is the same as for HarsH. Cuz fuck’im. I’m not mad at him, and if it sounds like I am, then you need to get a sense of what I’m feeling. I’ve got two adoptive parents, a step-mom, two other families, maybe four other families that would treat me like their own if I showed up down and out, I’ve had up to 6 grandparents (dropping the steps), I’ve got well over 50 cousins, I also have over 200 active friends……… get it yet? I don’t have time for someone who doesn’t want to be here. Literally, not one day per relative in my year. That’s fucked! I feel grief weekly because I don’t get to see people I actively love and miss. That’s weird to me, and weirder still, I know feeling that grief is to be blessed with love.

 

So to my situation, if birth dad does want to meet me, then that’s another thing, and I’m not gonna get in the way of that, heck, I’ll even support/facilitate it. But, if after 32 years things are the way I understood them to be that faithful night (meaning he was just there to help a gal out who wanted a helping hand commemorating the death of the woman she loved), then he and I are both better off just chillin like some villains, and catching up again if serendipity throws a screw our way.

 

Take care, peace and love, namaste.

Ian

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Where have all the flowers gone? Long time passing…

Challenge: I want to know what you think; what will we do? Be a leader.

While looking for a little inspiration today, this post satisfied my need. Joyce Harkness writes what I hear as a call to action and I am struck by it. It’s exactly how I have been feeling, but only more recently.

I went to school with many of the greatest minds, and most influential individuals as a younger man. These youth could recite the stories of their families’ successes in ways that I never could because I simply never learned their stories. Then they talked about what plane they planned to buy, and I lost interest.

My fear today, I believe, is the same as Joyce’s in that I do not see effective/affective thought-leaders in my generation. Much more significantly, I do not see our action leaders?

Where is our future MLK, Ghandi, or other Jesus Christ figure who will put his life on the line in the name of impacting humble, peaceful, quiet change? I’ve met the militants, but a fight begats a fight, so let’s stop there.

But my thoughts always role on and jumble together.

Which citizens will be the ones who’s will will change the arc of our current hate-filled policies, activate the people in peace, and make longstanding betterment in our most blighted communities, for our most needing global citizens?

And what if we had a 1,000,000 of these leaders and not just a few dozen per generation? Maybe we could fix the world this time permanently, and focus on the next important frontiers. To me, new frontiers only matter if they help us fix this first problem of humans hating humans and living in abject squalor, and terror.

And then maybe we would sit around developing products, researching ideas, and crunching data that truly matter — and then we might smile a lot more as a whole while we work.

I don’t believe that good in the world is sum-zero. The pie can expand and contract.

On a personal note, I’m going to start doing what I can to expand the pie, the best ways I know how, which are the ways most important to my state and state-of-mind because it is all I know.

I’m going to volunteer to fight fire in the Methow Valley before everything people have worked for burns to a crisp.

Then I’m going to help those under-served by Seattle’s DSHS by uniting our local health service providers (if they’ll permit me) to better use the online space for listening, communicating, and fundraising so at least there will be a bigger pie to work with.

My final aim is to head to the Washington coast to learn more first-hand about what it is like to live, love, and work on a reservation. How can we preserve our heritage if we don’t serve our heritage. How can we have done what we’ve done and only pay homage in words?

I don’t feel reserved today, however, I do feel humbled by the things I don’t know and won’t accomplish alone.

I’m not in a position to impact global change today, and probably never will be. Yet, I have my faith that we are all one species, that we might go extinct if we don’t learn to play nice with each other, and that local change, person to person, neighbor to neighbor, makes for real help, progress, and improvement as long as there is great listening and compassion.

Peace, love, and namaste!
Ian

In Grief And Sorrow — Where Are The Great Leaders?.

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